Born to Fight, Learning to Rest

     Recently somebody told me that it is clear I am a fighter. A warrior. In the Spirit and in the every day. They said they could tell from my personality and my story, the bit that they know, that I am not afraid of a fight. That I’m not one to back down.

     Honestly, at first, that made me laugh. You mean I’m not seen as a meek mild homeschool housewife? I feel like that’s all there is to me most days. Wife, mom. Not that those titles and tasks aren’t an honor, they are. But I often forget, in the midst of my daily life, that there is more to who I am. That all God has gotten me through, has indeed made me into a warrior.

     Fighting demons, people will ill intent, depression, suicidal urges, abuse, neglect, abandonment, sexual abuse in a number of forms, addiction, chronic pain, morbid obesity, divorce, single mom life, the depths of poverty…the list of what God has walked me through, is walking me through, is long. The Lord has helped me grow from a broken fear paralyzed little girl into a middle aged woman who knows His voice and His promises. While there are times, even still, that I temporarily forget I can fight and win, often I will immediately jump to battle. Instant battle mode tends to be activated most when something or someone comes after somebody I love. A fierceness rises up within that startles me, but also makes me feel more alive than I do without it.

     Come after somebody I love and I will suddenly be wielding all the swords and weapons my decades of Bible reading have armed me with. Weapons I forget I carry in the mundane days. Prayers that fly out of my mouth with a force, a faith, a power attached to God’s promises, shake me, the deepest parts of me to awake from slumber. I will tear down, plow over, demolish any thing that tries to be a weapon formed against my loved ones. Those moments sincerely leave me in awe of all of God’s word He has helped me to deeply hide within my heart. I don’t know what I know until I hear it when I speak. It’s a wild thing…but I am so very grateful God has sown His word so deeply into who I am, that when I need it, it’s immediately there. He is so faithful!!

     However, on the other side of this warrior in action there is the reality that I don’t yet go into “instant battle mode” when I am the one being attacked. It’s only recently that I’ve realized I rise to immediate action for others and forget to do so for myself. I will curl up in a sobbing ball of brokenness and let the enemy (spiritual or natural) keep kicking me much longer than I should. Much longer than I need to. In those moments, it’s as if the warrior within is frozen and the fear filled little girl takes over. Even knowing all I know. Seeing all I’ve seen. Walking in countless victories time and time again. I’m still working through this revelation with Jesus and working to change my default when it comes to my self defense. Learning to rise up and fight, in the spirit first and foremost, and in the natural as God guides, for myself, that’s taking time. In time I know the Lord will help me transform this area like He has so faithful helped me with so many others. But I wanted to be fully transparent about this warrior topic..I can fight ferociously, but I don’t always remember that I can. The day will come when my instant reaction to attack against myself is as powerful as it is for those I love. That will be an amazing day!

    I’d be remiss if I didn’t share the fullness of this battle ready story though. As I talked out my warrior side with the friend who brought it up, I was reminded of the flip side of that gift. Learning to rest and breathe. Learning that not everything needs confronting, not everyone is out destroy me (or my family). Learning to live in a stable, peaceful, safe atmosphere, that has been much harder for me than learning to fight ever was.

     From birth my life taught me about survival, about violence, hopelessness, darkness, and abuse. By the age of five I had witnessed more evil than a child should have to witness in a lifetime. I carried more fear and worry than my kindergarten self was able to shoulder. Daily I would see my mom, often literally beaten down, rise up and carry on for the sake of her children. She would go above and beyond to bring sparks of joy into our dark world, she would work overtime to be a source of stable peace for us in the nearly constant shaking my biological father brought into the home. Back then I didn’t realize it but I was learning to fight, learning to stand, learning to “suck it up” and keep going. My mom didn’t give up in her determination to give us, her children, a safer life with peace and hope. Through much hard work, pain, sacrifice, and faith, she took huge risks and proved in the flesh that all things are possible. My mom is a warrior, and while I fear she is a weary one who also doesn’t yet fight for herself, she taught me steadfastness and the power of faith and love without even trying.

    In my youth I didn’t demonstrate many of those characteristics, I had a lot to overcome with my mental and physical health. But those seeds of battle readiness were planted within me and they have grown, been refined by Jesus and activated since.

     Spiritual warfare, physical boundaries, awareness of who God is and who He says I am, have all changed the way I fight, through the years. But the fighter, she’s always been a part of me and, honestly, the easier side to walk in. Your girl loves a good confrontation, a heated verbal conversation, a chance to rise up and win. Bring it on! But learning to trust in the peace of God, the comfort and safety, the “rest” of God, that is an ongoing lesson for me.

     Only recently, in the last few years, did my life enter a season with some “softness” and a sense of “protection” that comes from somebody in the flesh. (I have known the protection of the Lord for a long time.) The Lord walked me through a very intense season of death and refining fire as my former marriage of nearly 20yrs came to an end. It was overdue to be honest. But that doesn’t mean it was remotely easy. I had to walk through my own grief of what once was and may have been, while also walking with and comforting my children. In addition, I had to keep fighting very serious health struggles that, at their peak, had left me bedridden. Figure out how to provide for my kids as a soon to be single mom, and the list goes on. BUT GOD! He was with me every step.

In that season I made some mistakes, some bumps jolted me, and a lot of buried hurts rose to the surface. One breath at a time, the Lord and I walked through it all. And just as I was finding a new normal and regaining a sense of calm, even in the unknown, He put a new door in front of me.

I met a man who, isn’t perfect of course, but sincerely loves more like Jesus than any human I’ve known. The Lord instantly knit our hearts together in a supernatural way, and that scared me. No way did I think I was ready for him, for another relationship! We did a 10 day Daniel Fast before we met face to face. I had to be sure my flesh was NOT leading me and that this was actually God. Then, we met, and as they say, “the rest is history”!

Through my now husband, the Lord has been teaching me how to feel safe. How to receive love in human form and trust it. Teaching me that it is okay to lean on somebody and not have to always be the strong one. Teaching me that I am worthy of a sacrificial love, beyond the life changing sacrifice on the cross. Showing me that I can change and let down walls and defenses, let somebody in again. Gosh, the list goes on and on. But, these lessons have taken more tears, more prayer, more fasting, more repenting…than I ever would have imagined they would.

Being born to fight, I have been having to learn to rest, to breathe, to relax sometimes. Through our years together I have faced more deeply rooted hurts and broken parts of me than I realized I had. I spent so many years sucking it up and pushing on in the fight that I didn’t do a lot of introspection. I was in survival mode. Now, in this season of safety and love, it’s as if the Lord has used my husband, and our life, to wrap me in a protective covering that allows me to just “be”. To stop worrying as much, striving to fix and maintain everything from relationships to the home we live in. (My former one was falling apart in every way, the physical structure as well as the relationships within.) In these softer, safer, more secure circumstances, I have been able to take a deep breath and look within prayerfully. I’ve been able to face new layers of hurt as the Lord reveals them and walk out healing with Him. This season has allowed me to put down my weapons and my shield, and actually live. To love more deeply, to heal more deeply, to discover more of who the Lord has created me to be beyond the warrior trying to survive.

And it has been downright terrifying!

For a good while I found myself fighting against the peace, against the calm, against the sense of security. Even a few years into this God ordained marriage, I still have to fight my knee jerk reaction at times. Running away flight or fight, those are so deeply rooted within me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. BUT they are not from the Lord and I refuse to let those things rule my life and my decision making. I have to be very intentionally aware when I feel something “triggering” that response, and then I have to pause, pray, breathe, and remind myself I am safe and I can do things differently. Learning how to have a disagreement and working through it with my husband and Jesus has been hard, and amazing. Learning that when I am knocked down by illness, or just plain exhausted from life, I can rest and somebody else helps carry my half of the load until I can bare it again, that has all been hard for me. It’s beautiful though, learning to trust the Lord through somebody else. Learning that there is more to me than fighting and surviving. Realizing that I don’t have to have everything handled and controlled because, first off, the Lord is with me and has gone before me, and secondly, I am no longer alone in the natural either…those lessons are proving to be hardest for me. Often I cry out as I face down the lies of fear, and doubt. Frequently I repent for reacting in a way that my old self had to when that isn’t who I am any longer nor the healthy way to handle waves that crash.

I am being refined in a fire of peace, and it is life changing.

And scary!